Looking back, looking forward

This last month has been one of looking all directions to try and figure out which way is backward and which forward. 

I am a planner - I love mapping out where I want to go next or what area I want to grow in more. This can be a very good thing; indeed, I think of it as one of my strengths. However, as the last few months have reminded me, our great strengths are always two-sided coins, and the flip side shows our great weaknesses. My beautifully mapped out plan for this semester was completely trashed in the space of three days, leaving me bewildered and frustrated. Instead of living and working in Georgia as I had planned, I moved back to St. Louis to live with my family and got a job in food service. 

In short, I have been blessed, but have not wanted to recognize it as such.

After being back in St. Louis for a few weeks, I met up with a good friend. As we discussed the recent drama of my life, he asked a question I wasn't prepared for. "Sonya, you're a planner. How are you doing with your plan not working?" I had to admit that I was doing poorly, and that the change-up had left me without knowing which way was forward and which back.

Until that conversation, I had not realized how much of my frustration was aimed at God for not using what I had thought was such a well-planned map for my next few months. My plan had me close to people who are dear to me, and involved plenty of hard work. Surely this was what God would want for me, right? 

Yes and no.

My entire plan revolved around me and what I most wanted to claim: Independence and control. I wanted to work things out to prove to myself that I could. To my surprise, God said no to that plan. Instead, he put me with other people who love me and gave me other hard work to do. Not what I wanted. If I'm honest, it's still not what I want. However, I  know that through this I am being blessed and grown. This last month has not been an easy or enjoyable one. I'm still not sure which direction is forward and which is back. But I am beginning to ask for the courage to look at the place I'm standing right now.